Why I don’t always say I’m a pastor’s wife immediately

It’s funny to me how the atmosphere can change instantly when people find out you’re a pastor or a pastor’s wife. That look of “deer in the headlights” comes over some people and if there were a quotation bubble over their head it would read, “Oh crap, holy crap that is, I just cussed in front of the preacher and offered him a beer all in the same sentence!” This is usually followed by a running commentary of the wonderful things they have done in life to date.

Some people feel the need to list their family’s perfect church attendance history from their past life and share their off-the-charts charitable giving. Seems like somewhere along the line everyone’s Granddad’s Granddad was a preacher and so that comes out as well as other Christianly sounding credentials.

If the person had used any colorful language prior to the pastor/pastor’s wife coming out of the closet then it ceases immediately and there is awkward stumbling over words and a lack of eye contact. Many times the conversation ends with “see you at church on Sunday” even though they don’t have the slightest intention of coming to church. And it’s just all around strange.

Annnnnd this is why I don’t always introduce myself as a pastor’s wife immediately. To avoid the weirdness.

I watched a similar scenario go down recently as I got to know a woman over a few weeks. I really forgot about the whole pastor’s wife thing. I wasn’t trying to hide it from her, I just thought she knew. And when I referred to my husband preaching she got the glazed over look and said, “Your husband is the pastor?”  I said, “Yeah, I thought you already knew that.” She said, “Uhhh nope. (hits herself in the forehead)  Oh blankety blank. Oh wow. I can’t believe that. This whole time we’ve been talking and you just seem so normal and all.”

I thanked her because rarely am I ever called normal. Ha! She had a good nervous laugh and things were only slightly weird for a minute or two. Or so I think. I wondered if she suddenly thought she was a “project” or thought “oh, that explains the interest in me. You’re paid to do this kind of thing.” I don’t know. All I can do is just hope she knows my title as pastor’s wife doesn’t make me any different than the girl who sat and listened to her story because I was genuinely interested and concerned.

I love being a pastor’s wife and I don’t begrudge it for one second but I do hold back sharing my title as a PW in some cases for the sake of avoiding the weirdness and other times I just forget I am one. Because what matters most is who we are not what our position is.




  1. Well Melody, aren’t I glaaaaad I found your blog from over at Barbies’s weekend brew. We are neighbors there. Although I’m not a pastor’s wife, I do have a ministry through my website. So I don’t get all of what you’ve experienced, but I do get those deer in headlights looks sometimes. I don’t get it from everybody, but I can tell ones I don’t get it from probably appreciate more my living a life all in for Jesus.

    I don’t tell people what I do either unless that ever popular question comes up in the conversation, “What do you do?” I usually answer, “I’m a freelance writer and media specialist. And I also am writing two books and a Christian faith based website.”

    And I wait… :-).
    I don’t think I’ll stop telling them though, if they ask, simply because some people do eventually say they’d like to see my website. A few. 🙂 HAHAHA.
    Your post is so refreshingly open. I loved it! I giggled. And that’s okay. 😉

    • We live in a really small town so the question is always “what brought you here?” So that’s when it comes up usually. It’s actually kind of funny in some ways. Hey…glad to meet you – thanks for stopping by.

  2. I am not a pastor’s wife, but I’ve seen this scenario play out many times. It is kind of a funny reaction, but understandable when people place pastors and their families up on a pedestal, you know? We need to remember, that we are all God’s children whether we teach a Sunday School class, write a blog, stock a shelf in the grocery store…or are married to someone who’s job just happens to be teaching the word. 🙂 We are all just people with different jobs and different gifts. I pray that you are able to form great friendships with other women around you and that they will come to understand that you are just a woman seeking God just like they are.

    Thanks for dropping by The Beauty in His Grip this morning, Melody!

    Blessings, Joan

    • Yah, I should probably clarify that this doesn’t happen all the time but when it does it’s pretty funny actually.God has given me a heart for people rough around the edges and many of these people have preconceived notions of church let alone pastors. So I find myself in these situations at times.

  3. Aww love it. Love you. I love our pastor and his wife. They never mention they are the pastor and wife , he actually hates to be called pastor. I think because they don’t make such a deal out of the title they have reached so many, so many feel welcomed and at ease with them. They go around believing so much in others that you forget that they are the pastor. I have a hunch your a lot like this:) keep up the good work!

  4. Thank you for stopping by The Weekend Brew and sharing your story!