Blogging through the real and the hard #anxiety

I desire to be as honest as I can be in this blog space for the glory of God and building up of others. Okay, and for my own sanity because I process life many times through stringing words together and slapping them down on paper. There are things of course that I can’t always share in this space for confidentiality and respect issues but I want to speak from the depths of my heart as I feel God leading me. Even the hard stuff and the messy stuff. Today involves some hard stuff.

We’ve been home from the hospital for almost a week and it’s been a wild ride getting used to the new, although temporary, normal.

My sweet Mom made a bedroom in the dining room since all our bedrooms are on the upper floor of our house. Randy has slept on the floor next to me every single night. Bless his soul. This is just one of many many less than desirable things he does for me right now. He never complains. He just keeps on loving me “through sickness” like he said he would the day he married me. So the care I’m receiving from my husband is priceless. It couldn’t be better.

My Mom is filling in the gaps while Randy takes care of me. She gets the kids up, makes breakfast, gets them to school and picks them up. Does the laundry and keeps up the house. Our church has been as much a powerful support as my family. The prayer support has blown me away. The meals have been incredible not to mention daily. They built us a nice wheelchair ramp while I was in the hospital. I’ve had offers to clean my house, grocery shop and do whatever we need done. My heart has been echoing, “We are loved.” It has truly been amazing.

Yet despite the amazing God-sent care and favor I am receiving right now I am still struggling in some areas. It started yesterday afternoon as I took a nap during the day. An overwhelming graphic visual of what I went through when I fell came rushing in my mind and heart. And tears just started rolling down. I was soaking in more of the trauma of the event. The trauma of what I saw. Of waiting for help and not being able to get anyone’s attention. The cracking of my bone. The pain. The additional 15 minute wait for the EMT’s. It was all catching up with me. I told the Lord as I cried that I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts. I told Him I trusted Him and He’d need to show me how to process all this stuff. Up to that point I was just viewing it as a fall down the steps and I broke my leg. It happens to people all over the world every single day. And it happened to me. It hurts. It stinks. But I will get through it. But over the days and sleepless anxious nights my view was now changing. With Randy’s help I was able to realize that my body is responding to the extent of the trauma I faced which was significant. And I need to allow myself the time and space to deal with it. The injury was sustained instantaneously but the healing would be a long process. Even emotional and mental healing.

This anxious at night thing is new to me so I’m not totally sure what’s going on. It seems to show up at night and in my breathing. Lightness of breath, shallow breathing, restlessness and an overall insecurity. At first we thought it was related to my high blood pressure and pain meds. Now I’m not so sure. I believe prayer has made a huge difference the last few days and my nights are getting better. The last two nights have been the best two nights of sleep yet. I’m hopeful we will work through this and get on top of it in time.

If anything I have a greater understanding of people who deal with anxiety to some degree. I’ve never experienced this before but now I have a taste of what some people go through on a regular basis. May God use this in me to bring greater glory to him and to be a better servant of his.

I am blessed. Things I’m praising God for today:

  • My MIP group praying at my house today – love these ladies and our time together! Our attribute? God is Healer. Bring it!
  • The sweet visits I’ve had all day from people in our church who love us and care for us so well
  • My Physical Therapist who is awesome
  • My husband who is serving me with such incredible strength and love
  • My Mom who is working so hard to keep things running as smooth as possible
  • That God is my healer and the fact that He will heal me in his perfect timing and in the way He wants to heal me. It will be good.
  • A sweet visit from a good friend out of town. Good laughs at her kids funny videos and her willingness to share with me her own past struggle with anxiety.
  • The prayer covering we are receiving from our church family and friends. It’s HUGE. It’s making an incredible difference in our lives every day.

Enjoy your weekend everyone!