This is an unusual week at Life is a Bowl of Wedgies because I’m sharing some of your stories with your permission and with complete anonymity. It started with this comment/question I posted on Facebook last week.
I’m watching a lot of people right now go through separation or divorce. I watch broken families come to their kids school programs, church, special events, etc. and I see pain on their faces. From knowing where to sit to talking to the “other person” if their spouse has a significant other, to wondering how people will respond to them. These are just a few things I perceive as I sit next to some of my friends and watch from a distance in other cases. I’m sure the beginning stages are harder and everyone is figuring out what the new normal looks like and how to navigate these new waters. My question is not about whether separation or divorce is right or wrong and I’m not wanting to debate that in this space. I’m taking this question from the place of “the separation or divorce is in process or has happened”. How do you do this well? How do you walk through separation and divorce without growing bitter towards the other person and protecting your child from anger and bitterness?
People responded in the comments on Facebook and some responded privately. I don’t take your stories lightly or the fact that you trusted me with them. I appreciate your desire to want to help others from what you’ve learned and for sharing what you’re going through right now. My prayer is that God might use your stories in some way to encourage us all.
Our first life story comes from a godly Christian woman that I love dearly. These are things she learned while walking through divorce:
“Some of the best advice I ever got was from my sweet dad and mom when I divorced. Mom said, you can let this (the divorce) make you bitter or make you better in your relationship with the Lord. She said do not ever bad mouth your former husband to your children because in time, actions will show themselves. As the children grew older, they did ask me questions and I was able to answer them as I felt was fit for their age and what details they should know or not know. We always appeared together with or without our significant other at the kids events over the years. I told each of the children at different times as they were old enough that divorce is never God’ s first choice for our lives but there are times when it cannot be avoided. I told them that I was sorry for the hurt our divorce has caused them and I take responsibility for their hurt but that also, God can use the difficult things in our lives to mold us if we let Him. Have treated them (ex and family) as we felt Jesus would do and do not have regrets for our actions. The children are the innocent parties and when they are little they do not comprehend why you cannot be together but you can say and do comforting things to them such as….I love your daddy because he is your daddy but right now, we cannot live together. That does not change our love for you and mommy will always love your daddy because he is your daddy. If you know the Lord then you are still responsible for your words and actions. I still gave our son money so that on every holiday that honored his dad in anyway he could buy for him what he wanted….Christmas, his bday, Father’s Day, If it was important to our son we honored that.
Although there were times I wanted to make some of my own decisions concerning our son, I always talked to his dad and asked what he thought. I was the primary custodial parent but we both are his dad and mom.”
I don’t want to sanitize divorce or separation. I have strong feelings about it but it happens. And some people choose to walk through it bitterly and others gracefully. This woman has chosen to walk this journey gracefully. And I believe God has blessed her for it in many ways. Never think God can’t use you or bless you or love you the same if you’re divorced. This is the grace our God bestows to us.
Our next story is cut and dry and to the point. It has excellent advice in it and I look forward to sharing that with you later this week.
Lord, I praise you for being our perfect Shepherd. Today I pray over my friends who are traveling the weary road of divorce and separation. Remind my friends that anything is possible with you. Would you reclaim what the locusts have eaten. Rebuild. Restore. Redeem what has been broken. Give hope where hope is needed. Holy Spirit, do what only you can do. Breathe life into these men and women. Let them cling to you and your word during these times. It is life giving and what we all need. Use these stories of your children to encourage, challenge and to give insight to us all. We need you to do that, Father. Amen.
This is Part 1 of a 5 Part series. To see the other posts click below: