The back story of my Family Dollar car incident

So we got ourselves a brand spankin’ new Family Dollar in town. And the kids and I went the first day they opened and were so excited to drop in. BUT we couldn’t find a parking space so we had to circle around and leave.

Well there was a car in front of us and she was waiting to pull out. So we just waited behind her. With all the time we had I decided to roll down my window, hang my head out and proceed the tell the 5 managers that were all circled up slightly behind our van talking that I was so excited they were opened but they could use more parking.

I was pretty sure they hadn’t thought about this and I was just trying to help out. As if they could just address the issue of adding more parking places so easily. Not sure what I was thinking. So I’m in the middle of sharing my feelings – yes, with perfect strangers – when all of a sudden I hear every single one of them start yelling very loud. They’re shouting and pointing, “Hey, NO, STOP!! STOP!”

I immediately felt bad and it shut me up on the parking advice for sure. Apparently I had crossed a line and offended them by my words.

And then we felt it.

And heard it.

*Crash. Bang. Crunch.

The car in front of us – that I never saw coming because my head was literally hanging out the window and looking back – was unknowingly in reverse and gunned it and rammed into our van.

And then took off and left.

Thankfully all 5 of the people saw everything. In detail. As in wrote down the description of the car and tag number. So when I called the police they got all the important information – down to the side of the car the donut was on.

I really didn’t know what to do at that point.

Do I apologize for talking about the lack of parking?

Or do I thank them for getting all the information to hopefully catch the chic that hit us?

So what did I do?

Well, I just verbally threw up and rehashed the entire story that THEY had just lived through right back to them like a pyscho-nut-job.

They just stared at me.

And this is how we roll in this family.

This is why we’re so messed up.

This. Right here.

 

 

A little episode

Over Mother’s Day weekend my Mom felt the need to share this story with my children.

This was first published on May 8, 2013. 

God indeed has a sense of humor while teaching me and I marvel at it on

a daily basis. Recently we were eating lunch on the back patio much to

our ten year old’s disappointment. He is very afraid of bees to the point

of obsessessing over it. My mother could see the fear rising in him and so

as she prayed for our meal she asked God to help Mitchell overcome his

fear of bee’s.

A few minutes later Mitchell was still talking excessively

about how horrible it was to be eating with the bee’s (even though none

were in sight.)  At that point I had a very firm conversation with him about

moving on from the discussion and negative talk about bee’s. Okay, it

was a lecture. It went something like,  “Bee’s won’t hurt you; they have a

purpose, God made them, blah, blah, blah. I told him he needed to let that

fear go and relax, quit letting satan suck the joy of God’s creation out of

him and just be happy we could all be together in the beautiful weather.”

 

I’m not kidding, at that very moment I heard what sounded like a high power

chain saw buzzing next to my neck and out of my peripheral vision I saw a

huge black winged creature coming towards me.  It all happened so fast.

The next thing I knew I was being attacked by a huge bee that flew into

my jacket.  I wish I could say I was relaxed about it but I’m mortified at my

response: Patio chair knocked over, ripped my jacket off, screamed like a

little girl and kept saying “WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?”

 

My Mom was laughing hysterically. Mitchell ran to the garage and was saying,

“Mom, go inside! I’ll protect you inside!” It was the “Fight with God’s

Creature” version of Jerry Springer if I ever saw one. When it was all over I

put my clothes back on, picked the chair up, cleared my throat and said,

“Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” And once again, I walked away

humbled at how when I think I’m teaching others it is actually the lesson

God wants me to learn.

When you accidentally text your Pastor’s wife about your hickey.

I received this text a few months ago from a church-er and am still shaking my head over it. So is she. In fact she confirmed with me today it was just too good not to share with others…..without names attached. Grey is church chick and green is me.

IMG_1215

You can see in her own words she gave me permission to share and I confirmed before posting today. So no worries if you accidentally text me about your make out session. I won’t share unless I have your permission – in writing!

I can’t make this stuff up you guys.

To top it off today. TODAY, I say. I texted a local pastor’s wife in town and asked her to let me know when she gets her sh*t so we can pray for her. Yeah, I did. I hate it when I mix up the “i” instead of the “o” in the word shot. It’s really quite dangerous. Thankfully she texted back and said, “you mean SHOT?” And we both lol’d. You just have to. If you take this stuff too seriously we’d all be in a heap of shot.

We might as well smile and extend some grace to both ourselves and the ones getting hickeys.

Be careful texting this weekend folks!

 

 

 

 

 

About peed in my pants over a Bible study misunderstanding last night

Spoiler Alert: Baptist Humor. I’m not making fun of other religions but if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness you might not like this post very much. Sorry in advance.

Okay, so I’m in a wonderful small group bible study on Wednesday nights. There are a few women in the study that just moved or are new to our church so we’re all still getting to know each other. I’ve been bringing coffee each week but wondered if people really wanted it so I sent out this text message  asking if everyone wanted coffee. The thread gets interesting when a newer lady makes a comment about HATING coffee. See for yourself….. (I blurred out names and numbers)

IMG_1213

It’s like she was acting like she didn’t even know us but I knew it was the right person because she had just given me her number last week. So now I’m totally confused.

And what was up with the Kingdom Hall comment?

I could’ve sworn this lady said her church background was Baptist but maybe she was an undercover Jehovah’s Witness and just wasn’t telling us. I hear they don’t drink caffeine.

All this takes place about 2 hours prior to Bible Study.

I decide not to text anyone else and ask if they were confused. Better to keep those thoughts to oneself instead of stirring up stuff.

I did however share it with Randy. He was equally puzzled.

So it’s Bible Study time and a few ladies trickle in and sit down. One lady did say something like, “What was up with the mystery texter?” I said, “I’m not sure.”

About that time the newer lady walks in. Suddenly I’m viewing her differently. Wondering if her husband is out knocking on doors in a white shirt and black tie.

What startles me is when she immediately grabs a cup and gets some coffee.

I’m baffled.

She sits down and I say, “Did you get my text earlier today?”

“Nope. When did you send it?”

I grill her a few more times to be sure she wasn’t the one who sent the text.

I pull out my phone and read the number I have for her in my contacts and sure enough – it was the wrong number!!

So I read the entire text thread to her – you know, the part where she says she HATES coffee and doesn’t know us and wondered if this was Kingdom Hall. That one.

Our entire group is about in tears we are laughing so hard.

Then another newer lady brings the house down when she said, “Well, I was confused by the manna comment until I did day four of our homework right before I came and that’s when I learned what it meant.”

More laughter.

So much that we had several people stop by and tell us we were having too much fun and to settle down.

Hahahahaha!!!!!

So, yeah, that’s my Bible Study story for the week.

Linking up with some of my favorite writers……JenniferKristin and Holley

 

 

 

Belly Laughter

Usually family formed belly laughter is just that – for the family – and just like pulling out old home videos is boring to other people so are their family belly laughter stories. But one reason this blog exists is for family memory preservation so I’ll share it anyways.

The weekly belly laugher comes in the form of a mispronounced Science term. I’m explaining to my son how this Science stuff works while trying to be all brainy like until I get to the term “Stratigraphy”  (\strə-ˈti-grə-fē\) and murder it completely and cannot with all my might say it the correct way after multiple attempts.

My 8th grader is beside himself laughing hysterically at me, not with me, with each mispronunciation of the word. I admit, it really is funny. It sounds so redneck and uneducated the way I say it. The wrong way. We laugh and for the last two weeks all I’ve heard about is the word Stratigraphy! At bedtime. At breakfast. On the way out the door to school – “Hey Mom, remember “Stratigraphy?”

As if to follow in this new pattern of mispronouncing words I get to the word Potomac River while studying with our third grader and once again say it totally wrong – short o and added a “t” in the middle making it sound like an automatic Pontiac car or something just completely off.

There’s no hiding anything with Sophie. You don’t get by with anything with her. No saying it correctly real fast like in hopes she didn’t catch it the first time. Nope. You’re doomed with this child.

Eyes roll in the back of her head and she says, “Mom, that is NOT how you say that word. Bahahahaha!”

Oh dear. One can hope for better days of pronunciation I guess.

 

When we lose some funny

IMG_1192

This is my all time favorite picture of our daughter. She was 4 and this was her pretend wedding dress and she had just “fixed” her hair. She came into the bathroom to show me and I laughed because well, I thought it was hysterical. She did not think it was even a tiny bit funny. I know you find that hard to believe from the picture.

I felt bad for sucking the excitement right out of her with my laughter. I’ve always been bad to laugh at the wrong times. Like pretty much my whole life. I’ve inappropriately laughed in church and at comments that weren’t meant to be funny. To make things worse I’ve taken on a smoker’s laugh lately. Weird for someone who has only dreamed of smoking just once to see what it feels like. Suddenly I have a breathy intro to my laugh. Lord help me not to be the lady with the annoying laugh. We all know her and I do not want to be her. So I think it’s best I work on this immediately. If you’re a  in real life friend please tell me when I sound like I’m about to laugh up a lung. Thank you in advance.

I was kind of feeling like Sophie in this picture the other day and I told Randy that I feel like the funny got knocked out of me when I broke my leg. I’m not sure why but life feels a bit different for me. Like some humor slipped out with my fall. And I don’t like feeling this way. It’s not like I’m discouraged or down. I just see things differently and a bit more seriously. Maybe it has nothing to do with the fall and everything to do with getting older. Maybe it’s just flat time I grow up anyways. Ha! Oh hey, see, I found some laughter after all.

I hope ya’ll are doing great friends! I look forward to catching up on all your blogs and doing some more blogging myself.

 

 

 

 

How I found myself in the middle of a live Frat party this week.

 

My sweet Christian friend who is sharing her story of redemption and freedom from drug addiction started sharing her story through a variety of social media platforms. One of which is Periscope. I wasn’t familiar with this app so I was playing around with it trying to figure out how to follow and watch her daily 2pm coffee chats. Well somehow – I swear I don’t know how – I found myself in the middle of a live virtual Frat party in which I was asked to show specific body parts!!!!!

Say what?!! You are kidding, right? No people. I am not kidding.

I could see the party going on live – close up – but they can only see a comment thread from everyone else who was watching or following. Clearly I just clicked on a random “live” event and had no clue what I was doing. I figured I was about to view a live Christian ladies event…. yeah but no.

I was so appalled that I gave the granny talkin’ to to this group of wild thangs and then got out of there fast and ran and told on them to my Christian speaker friend. I suppose my user name didn’t help much (@bowlofwedgies) and is giving me great pause and reconsideration at this point in my social media career. But seriously there is some crazy stuff out there with apps. You have to be so careful.  Christian speakers use Periscope so people can hear them speak live and I was under the impression that it was for Christian speakers but nooooooooo. It’s really not. In fact when my friend was speaking via Periscope I was outraged at some of the comments she received from random followers – called “trolls”. Her husband would block users that were being totally inappropriate or mean. But I love the fact that she is still speaking through Periscope because this is a great platform to be sharing Jesus. The opposition is great and we’re told we’ll be persecuted when sharing Truth. It shouldn’t scare us – we should approach it with caution and with great boldness.

So friends, if you’ve never been to a frat party you’re not missing anything. I know this because I found myself in the middle of one for about one minute and one minute too long! It’s not worth it. And to my teenage and college friends who feel that virtual attendance to such parties is not the same thing – you’re wrong sweet people. It is the same thing. Guard yourself online. Set up boundaries. This world has no concern for your personal integrity or purity. It will be the Holy Spirit who helps you in this area so depend on him heavily.

 

 

 

Epic Mommy Moments

We’ve all had those Mommy memories that will forever be stamped in our minds. The ones we don’t want to ever forget and the ones we’d pay big money to forget! Both are necessary in this journey called Motherhood. The precious memories keep us going and the hard and not fun memories make us stronger and our relationships deeper with our children. So whatever season of Motherhood we’re in – sweet, tender, awesome, crazy-hard, challenging or down right miserable know that they are all making something beautiful out of both you and your children.

Today when I contemplate special, funny and less than stellar memories with my kids this is what comes to mind:

  • At three years old Mitchell spotted a purple violet in a field and ran about half a mile to pick it and run back to give it to me. We were at on outside event and music was blaring and I couldn’t hear a word he was saying but his lips were moving and his little legs motoring as fast as they could. Breathless he handed me the flower and said, “I gotted this just for you Mom!” I kept it in my Bible for years and then lost it accidentally.
  • While in line at Old Navy four year old Sophie was looking at the toy rack a few steps away. I start to hear music and soon realize she is playing a toy flute – with.her.nostrils.
  • The time Sophie got in trouble for disobeying and I told her to go write sentences. With great confusion and frustration in her eyes she said, “But Mama, I don’t even know how to write!” Oh yeah, that’s right, you don’t. Well, give me a minute and I’ll think of something!
  • How about when Mitchell at four years old is performing at another church’s vbs program and during the song he decides to break out into his own Elvis Pelvis moves and brings the house down. Randy I fought over who could go pick him up when his name was called at the end of the program. If I recall correctly we got a round of applause when we went down to get him.
  • The dates Mitchell and I used to have together where he would take me out for a donut or ice cream, order and pay for me and open the door for me. We’d talk about boy stuff – bugs, animals and adventures. I miss those days. We simply must start it again.
  • Sophie copped an attitude with me over a pineapple at Walmart and was pitching a tantrum over us not buying it. I bent down and told her I was going to take her whiney words and flush them down the toilet. I felt the rush of regret as soon as it came out. I’d never said anything like that before. Where did it even come from?! As I stood up after my potty mouth correction and turned around there was a church member’s son staring right at me. Mortified and guilt ridden.
  • The precious prayers of my children over me melt my heart like nothing else does. I’ve experienced this more recently with this leg injury and it really does warm my heart unlike anything else.
  • Three weeks ago Sophie informed me she was too old to hold my hand in a parking lot. We had just finished up our discipleship time at McD’s and so she had my Bible in her hand. We got in the car and I was flipping out over her thinking she was too old to hold my hand. I was joking and pretending to gasp for breath out of shock over it. When we got int he car she held up her Bible and said, “I have a Bible in my hand and I’m not afraid to use it!” I looked at her and said, “You’d really try to bonk me with the Word of God?” She laughed and then said I was the one being sacrilegious. Sigh.
  • When my son threw me under the bus in Youth Group a few weeks ago. “When I apologize to my Mom she says back to me, ‘Well, I’m sorry too, now go to your room!’ It’s true I sometimes say, “I’m sorry too” after an apology that seems half witted. But I don’t send him to his room. When I asked him about it he said, “Oh yeah, I kind of made that part up. Ha! Ha!” Then I sent him to his room. Just Kidding. It did provide a great conversation though and I did need to apologize for being insensitive when he apologizes.
  • Mitchell and Sophie spending the night with me in the hospital last week and helping take care of me has been humbling and sweet. I know they love me and they know I love them. It has been proven time and time again.

Happy Mother’s Day friends!

April Fool’s 2015 in our household

And I thought April Fool’s Day was going to be a total bust this year! Sophie and I have been sick all week with the flu I think? – didn’t even think you were allowed to get the flu in the Spring but apparently it’s perfectly legal because we’ve had it since Saturday. When I realized it was April Fool’s and I had no energy to be pulling a prank I was so sad. Like seriously sad you guys. How lame is that? To be sad that you don’t get to trick people and watch their epic responses while you stand back and hold your ribs in laughter. That’s just sick. But it’s the truth.

So here’s what ended up happening this year on April Fool’s Day in our house:

1) I went outside while kids were getting ready for school and opened Randy’s glove compartment, center console and threw trash around his car, receipts, etc to make it look like that lady who stole money out of his car a few weeks ago had come back.

Response: Randy got in the car to go to work and came back inside immediately without trying to alarm Sophie (she cried last time and was so upset about the whole thing) and said, ” That lady came back and went through my car.” In utter shocked voice I exclaimed, “What?! Oh no!” And then as he walked down the steps I said, “Hey Randy?” As he turned and looked at me I said, “April Fools.” And then I got that adorable grin he gives when he knows he’s been had.

2) Decided to go out for the first time all week. Sophie in her pj’s still and me with no make up but did change out of my pajama’s for the 10 minute errand. We went to the bank to get our monthly cash budget withdrawn. It’s a large sum because it’s what we spend on groceries, miscellaneous, eating out, etc for an entire month for our household. So when I gave the withdrawal slip to the banker I said, “And I’d like that in pennies please.”

Response: Double take. “Could you say that again Ma’m?” I smiled sweetly and said, “Sure. I’d like that in pennies please.” She stammered a bit and said, “I don’t have that much.” Still being nice I replied, “Well, I’ve started shopping only in pennies as well as paying bills and I need to pay our mortgage today. In pennies.” She was puzzled and said, “I can give you half in pennies but would need to give you…….” And then I busted out laughing and apologized. She started laughing with me and it was all good and fun. Sophie was more mortified that I had played that joke on the banker than the fact she was wearing her pajama’s – granted it was the drive thru.

3) At 10:30pm Wednesday night Sophie realized we had not pranked Mitchell and she begged us to do something to him. And I was very anxious to do something as well. Not having much energy to pour into it I knew it had to be simple. A prank call would have to do. We got it all figured out and put the plan into action. Home phone rang and Randy asked Mitchell to answer it. I was upstairs hiding in our bathroom with Sophie with the lights out. Mitchell answered and the conversation went as follows:

Mitch: Hello, this is Mitchell.

Me: (in shaky granny voice) This is Ethel Blackstock and I just left the nursing home and need a place to stay for the night. Do you have an extra bed I could sleep in tonight?

Mitch: (throws the phone to Randy and says it’s an old lady wanting to stay here????)

Randy: I can’t take that call right now. You handle it.

Mitch: (Dad, this is creepy. She wants to stay with us tonight!) Ummm are you still there Ms…..what did you say your name was again?

Me: (about to wet my pants) Mrs. Blackstock. Yes, I just need to know if you will let me stay at your house for the night. I’m outside your house right now.

Mitch: (goes outside on porch to look for lady with Randy)

Me: Young man please let me speak with your father.

I leave my phone in the bathroom and Sophie and I go downstairs to find Mitchell and Randy looking for Mrs. Blackstock. Mitchell is thinking it’s the same lady who broke into Randy’s car because he wasn’t convinced she was really “old”. He’s nervous and on the front porch looking for her. I decide to help look for her too because I’m just a nice person like that. Well, things take a twist when Randy turns on ALL of us and yells “BOO!” from behind the bushes and sprays us with the water hose. We all screamed and ran inside and locked him out.

I look at Mitchell and yelled, “HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S!”

4) At this point it was 11:00pm and way past our kids normal bedtime. So we all went upstairs to go to bed and Mitchell plopped in his bed and…….fell smack to the bottom of the floor.

Randy had taken the slats out except for one. It was classic. Flailing arms and legs in the air. Couldn’t have been better. Just wish I had it on video.

Response: He jumps out of bed and runs into the hallway and looks at me and says, “I can’t believe you did this to me!”

I said, “I didn’t do that to you!” And he knew immediately his father had just gotten him good.

And it felt more than right to crawl into bed knowing we had fulfilled our April Fool’s delight that day.

Happy Day After April Fool’s!

 

Embrace the strangeness!

Okay, you do not need to agree or leave any sassy comments but I’m realizing and owning that we are a strange family. Really, we are. A few examples might include and I wish were limited to the following…..

In our family we’re just sick enough to occassionally turn the iconic red “you’re special” plate into a weapon. If you’re an adult and you get the red plate at your place setting then you know you’ve either been a horses hiney or you did something really stupid. Instead of the plate meaning “you’re special” for me and Randy it subtly means, “I’m not going to but I really  want to break this plate over your head right now.” And yes, we know that’s just strange.

images

I got the red plate this week for doing something really stupid. It involved wasting a ton of black ink printing off what I thought was a document but instead was a picture. Bad experience altogether. What makes it worse is that I was so proud of myself for learning how to print from my cell phone and even bragged to the entire family while I made one click from one room while the printer started up in another. Little did I know the page would be soaking wet with wasted ink. Yeah, so I got to eat off the red special plate. The kids are always confused by one of us getting the red plate when its not our birthday. But Randy and I laugh under our breath as the other eats crow off the “you’re special plate”. We do it in good humor and fun so no judging okay?

Another strange thing we do as a family is teach our dog commands to nonsensical words. She goes to her crate at night when we say, “Go to jail, Dooley.” She runs to her cozy little space and curls up in a ball. Probably dreaming of a human owner that would use words in the right context.

I’m not sure if this counts as strange or not but our family howls with our dog. Okay, just saying that out loud assures me it’s strange. But it’s the closest thing we get to being “that musical pastor’s family” that stands up on stage and performs so beautifully. In fact I will leave you with a taste of the strangeness here:

Okay, so just step into your own weirdness and enjoy it. Life’s too short to be normal. In the words of my daughter who put it so succinctly, “what is normal anyways?

Exactly.

Enjoy your weekend!